Tuesday, January 26, 2010

These past few weeks I would define as weeks of reflection in my life. Some would call me quite a nostalgic person, and I guess I would have to agree. On occasion there are times I love to think back on the past, certain events in my life that were full of laughter and joy. On the other hand, more often I am reminded of times in the past that brought about immense amounts of pain and devastation. Those thoughts are not welcomed, however they seem to persist.

This time of reflection began toward the end of the much needed and appreciated time I had at home over Christmas break. Saying goodbye to family and friends is always tough, even though I know I have a new "home" now, with other friends and people I consider family. Saying goodbye always leaves me mulling over the fun times I had with dear friends growing up, wishing for a mere second I could be back in that time and place, where worries and fear were non existent. I think back to living at home with my parents and sister and seeing my grandmother everyday, and all the fun, monumental moments we all shared together. These things bring a smile to my face until I snap back to reality and realize those moments are simply memories, and sadness sets in.

One of the worst images, which appears in my mind on a daily basis is the day my dad was diagnosed with cancer. My world stopped. I couldn't understand why it was happening, especially to my dad, a whole-hearted follower of Christ, a man that has the biggest heart and would do absolutely anything for anyone. It was a very difficult season in life. Fortunately, I learned a lot during that time and it only brought our family closer, however, it is still something I cry out to God about, something that I know much good and glory came out of the situation but I just can't understand it. For now I am grateful he is in remission but the unknown of whether or not the cancer will return is haunting.

A major time of reflection came last week on my sweet boyfriend's birthday, during our celebration. Last Monday, January 18th marked a year exactly since Andrew flew to the Bahamas to sail away at sea for close to four months. Let's just say at that time in life, I was filled with much sorrow and heartache. Sorrow for saying goodbye to Andrew, knowing it would be months before I could look him in the eye, and unsure of if and when I would get to hear his voice. The heartache was present from the trials we had been facing for months, the feeling of not being loved, and the uncertainty of what the future held for us. These reflections are so hard, yet necessary.

The word necessary seems harsh to use in such circumstances that bring about suffering. Even so, I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel it is important to reflect, no matter how painful it may be. I believe it helps you to appreciate and be thankful for where you are in your life now, to look forward to the future and know that no matter what life throws your way, God has a plan! Now I can look forward to more times full of joy with those that I love and make new memories along the way.

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